Aside from Arsene Wenger, the next biggest target for the ever-increasing ire of Arsenal target was Olivier Giroud.
That was until he upped sticks and moved to London rivals Chelsea in January, where he is already establishing himself with an assist in his first proper run-out.
A solid hold-up player, but not necessarily a prolific goalscorer, Giroud managed only four goals this season prior to his departure to west London and many Arsenal fans blamed the Frenchman for Arsenal’s struggle to stay in the top four over the last few seasi
Giroud has now revealed that inconsistent playing time was the sole reason behind his exit from the Emirates.
He said: “For a year and a half, it went from bad to worse. I could no longer continue like that.
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“I could not bring myself to spend another year at Arsenal and remain a reserve, even a second reserve. The future looked gloomy with the arrival of a new striker.”
Arsenal fans are clearly empathetic to the forward’s plight, but agree with the forward that it was simply time for him to go…
There were plenty of winners and losers at Brazil 2014. German football, Brazilian football, James Rodriguez, Luis Suarez, Louis van Gaal, spray-can technology, all left the World Cup with their reputations either greater or lesser than before.
But one undoubted victor of the tournament in Brazil that has thus far slipped under the radar is the re-emergence of 3-5-2. The formation saw Chile annihilate Spain, aided Costa Rica’s against-the-odds march to the quarter-finals and even facilitated for a rather ordinary Netherlands side to reach and win the third-place play-off. Does that make Hull City’s Steve Bruce one of international football’s leading contemporaries? Maybe not.
Former Oranje gaffer Louis van Gaal now wants to bring 3-5-2 to Manchester United – a system which actively defies every philosophical tradition at Old Trafford, most notably the exclusion of natural wingers. He’s used the formation during both of the Red Devils’ pre-season fixtures against La Galaxy and Roma, and has subsequently suggested the club’s recruitment this summer will be done baring it in mind.
In turn, the question must be asked; can 3-5-2 succeed at Manchester United?
Opinions on the system remain fairly divided in England. 3-5-2 is often seen as a foreign formation, particularly taking root in Serie A, with Steve Bruce and Glenn Hoddle amongst the few top flight managers who have championed the system in recent times. Even amid the utmost injury crises, most Premier League managers will resort to deploying midfielders as full-backs before they even consider the notion of constructing a three-man defence.
The last major club to attempt to adopt it was Manchester City during their infamously poor 2012/13 title defence campaign, a season which eventually cost Roberto Mancini his job. Following a 3-1 defeat to Ajax in the Champions League, Micah Richards summarised the opinions of the players; “We’re used to a straight four and it’s twice we’ve gone to a back five and conceded, The players just want to play. It’s a hard system because we’re not used to it.”
Gary Neville soon followed by declaring 3-5-2 ‘alien’ in the Sky Sports studio, citing his own experiences that adapting from a conventional, typically English system to a considerably more continental one with completely different individual roles, especially in defence, was the biggest challenge. For a club that that has implemented back fours and two widemen at every age group throughout Sir Alex Ferguson’s reign and yonder, adaption will be Manchester United’s ultimate obstacle too.
But Louis van Gaal’s ability to implement his ideas on the training pitch is renowned throughout world football. Endorsements such as Raymond Verheijen’s – “He’s an extremely good team builder, a good technical teacher. If a club wants to start from scratch and build a new team then he’s the perfect candidate,” the Holland coach recently told BBC World Service – are not hard to find.
And van Gaal has already undergone a practice run of training a squad around the values of 3-5-2 with Oranje. Before the 2014 World Cup, his Netherlands side had never used the system before but by the end of the tournament they were its leading champions, with the 62 year-old even converting Arjen Robben into an out-and-out centre-forward and Dirk Kuyt into a wing-back. Clearly he has a strong understanding of how 3-5-2 must be taught and the players who suit it best.
Furthermore, as van Gaal has argued himself, United find themselves venturing into the realms of 3-5-2 through necessity rather than design. The Red Devils squad is tremendously unbalanced, or in the 62 year-old’s own words, ‘broken’ – they have four strikers all capable of holding down starting roles, five No.10s and despite United’s enormous heritage otherwise, no wingers that can claim to be amongst the European elite.
Rather, 3-5-2 allows for Robin van Persie, Wayne Rooney and Juan Mata to be on the pitch at the same time – a disturbing conundrum that both David Moyes and Ryan Giggs failed to find a solution to last season – whilst also accommodating for the natural strengths of Luke Shaw and Antonio Valencia, who has become far more defender than midfielder over the course of the last few seasons.
Likewise, a three-man centre-back set-up would hide the inadequacies of what has now become United’s weakest department following the bosman exits of Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand. As the Dutch demonstrated in Brazil, when quality is in doubt, strength in numbers becomes the safest policy. Furthermore, capable of playing at centre-back, full-back or even midfield, Phil Jones and Chris Smalling should transition to a 3-5-2 well.
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But the most prevailing benefit will be that it gives United a clear direction and sense of identity – something they tellingly lacked under David Moyes. Whether it’s the best system for the Red Devils is open to debate, but more important is the fact 3-5-2 creates a separation between United and their past, and a strong, fresh philosophy that the players can believe in.
Of course, the ultimate test will be whether the system can work in England, with a top flight more ferocious, instinctive and competitive than any other and a footballing culture firmly entrenched in variations of 4-4-2. 3-5-2 is by no means incompatible with the Premier League – it took Hull City to an FA Cup final and a 16th place finish last season, despite the Tigers being widely tipped to go back down. But we are yet to witness a club at the top end of the Premiership adopt the system successfully. That uniqueness could prove to be the Red Devils’ defining blessing, or equally their intrinsic curse.
In the history of the Premier League, we have seen some truly terrific players to grace our shores; which has considerably raised fans’ expectations of other players. These fine men on the list represent those who have been put under unnecessary pressure to deliver, with undue criticism occurring as a consequence. These are players with varying abilities, but ones who have either felt like scapegoats or not given enough time to succeed.
Some of these players are undoubtedly talented, but have been portrayed as villains and attracted some unwarranted criticism from some football fans. This has sometimes been caused by making a wrong career move or a few negative headlines appearing off the pitch. Other players on the list have simply been unable to impress at our country’s biggest clubs; and have now forged careers for themselves at smaller teams. As always, the list is purely subjective, likely to cause many of you to scream at your laptops in frustration. But anyway, here is my list of the top 15 players who have attracted unwarranted stick and criticism in their careers during the Premier League era.
Click on Robbie Savage to see the full list
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Before Arsenal’s 5-2 victory over Tottenham in the North London derby two weekends ago, Arsene Wenger announced that his minimum requirement would be a top four finish in order to qualify for the Champions League.
The Gunners have been inconsistent to say the least this season, producing convincing victories over Spurs, West Ham and Liverpool, but have come up short against Norwich and Fulham, as well as Premier League big boys Chelsea and Manchester United. Currently, the North Londoners sit in sixth place, ten points off league leaders Manchester City, suggesting they wont be launching a title bid any time soon – even if Arsene Wenger breaks the habit of a lifetime and buys big in January.
But considering the performances of Everton and West Brom, in fifth and third place respectively, not to mention competition from old rivals Tottenham and high-flying West Ham, would finishing in the top four prove to be a successful season for the Gunners?
It’s certainly very close in the mini-league between fourth and eighth place. West Brom are currently third but it would take a brave man to bet they will finish there at the end of the season and will most likely drop down at least one position in the coming weeks as Chelsea, City and United reassert their dominance over the Premier League.
Steve Clarke has tweaked his inherited team to make them even more efficient as they rack up the points. Their game against Chelsea on November 17th was very much the prequel to that famous 3-0 Champions League defeat to Juventus that cost Roberto Di Matteo his job, and the Baggies have made light work of lower table opposition this season. But whether Steve Clarke can maintain his team’s good form will depend on crucial six pointers against those surrounding West Brom in the league, including when they face Arsenal in two weekends time.
Everton too are considerable rivals to getting into fourth spot. Bucking the trend, the Toffees have started well for once, but have perhaps missed out on achievable points since their fantastic form at the beginning of the season. But the mood has somewhat changed at Goodison Park. Usually, Champions League qualification is somewhat of an idealist fantasy, the kind of half-joke you make around this time of the year to your mother about getting you a PS3 and a HDTV to play it on for Christmas.
This season however, the players and the manager appear much more focused on making it a reality. Marouane Fellaini – the man running the high-flying Everton team and who could soon be on his way to Chelsea – has told the press he wants to get his club into the Champions League before he moves on, and similarly David Moyes has put pressure on himself by resisting the urge to sign a new contract until he has a better idea of whether Everton can make it into Europe’s top competition. At the start of the season, Tim Howard commented on how the current Toffees squad was the best he had seen in terms of first team quality and depth since signing from Manchester United in 2006.
Arsenal’s closest rivals Tottenham have tended to be their main competitors for fourth spot, and last season missed out on Champions League qualification to the Gunners by a single point. Despite the traditional local and league rivalry, Everton and West Brom could prove to be a bigger stumbling block than Spurs this season.
The new boss at White Hart Lane has failed to take the club forward, as Tottenham continue to struggle to take points against top four teams and it seems the chances of Spurs breaking into the top four are about as likely as they have ever been, despite being level on points with Wenger’s side. A £20 million January kitty could change all that however as Andre Villas-Boas drafts a shortlist of Europe’s rising stars to turn around Tottenham’s fortunes – Christian Eriksen, Joao Moutinho and Willian to name a few – and the Portuguese coach will soon have Moussa Dembele back at his disposal.
Arsenal themselves have had to forge a team out of the ruins of the old one, losing Robin van Persie and Alex Song in the same transfer window. Then again, claiming Arsenal are in a transition season seems to be an all too repetitive analysis since the club last lifted the Premier League trophy. In my opinion, Wenger has bought well; Santi Cazorla, Lukas Podolski and Olivier Giroud have all proved to be decent signings, but then again, the latter two are yet to perhaps live up to the hype initially surrounding their transfers in the summer. Both men contribute well but have also been found lacking in certain fixtures, whereas Santi Cazorla along with Mikel Arteta and Jack Wilshere are a formidable midfield three that are as capable as any other in the Premier League.
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Arsenal’s problem is clearly depth. When the surface is scratched away, the Gunners are left with a string of consistent under-performers in Andrey Arshavin, Marouane Chamakh, Sebastien Squillaci and Andre Santos. Despite Wenger’s money-clutching ways, I believe the Frenchman will try to bolster his squad in January, especially if Theo Walcott continues his refusal to sign a new contract.
So all things considered, Arsenal fans should not turn their noses up at a fourth spot finish, even if it is one place backwards from last season. The stars have gone, and their replacements are decent but are by no means world beaters. Furthermore, until the board splash the cash on some top level quality, it would be wrong to assume the squad can naturally improve.
In the league, Arsenal face truly stiff competition from Everton and West Brom, and although the latter club’s form may fall away, beating both to fourth spot and batting away Tottenham, despite being Wenger’s minimum requirement, will be no easy feat.
According to reports in The Sun on Sunday on June 10, Chelsea midfielder Ruben Loftus-Cheek refused to commit his future to the club while on 2018 World Cup duty with England, and we at Football FanCast suggested that Manchester United should snap him up if he decides his future lies away from Stamford Bridge.
The 22-year-old has just returned to the west London outfit following a relatively successful season-long loan spell with Crystal Palace, where he played as an attacking midfielder and on the left-hand side as he was given the regular minutes on the pitch that he didn’t get under Blues boss Antonio Conte during the 2016/17 campaign.
The 6ft 3in midfield powerhouse isn’t going to make a decision on his future until after the World Cup has finished, which could suggests that he waits to see if the club are going to replace the Italian manager following a miserable defence of their 2017 Premier League title before he makes his decision.
Meanwhile, United chief Jose Mourinho has already been busy in the transfer market after completing deals for Fred and Diogo Dalot, but the Portuguese boss may be tempted to add another body in midfield – especially if Marouane Fellaini leaves.
We asked Red Devils fans to vote on our poll to see whether they would want their club to sign Loftus-Cheek, and they were largely split with 49% saying they didn’t want him at Old Trafford.
That is certainly understandable seeing as the main positions that Loftus-Cheek would fill would likely be Paul Pogba’s and Alexis Sanchez’s, but if he is available in a few weeks’ time Mourinho could well be tempted to swoop for the promising England man.
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[brid autoplay=”true” video=”255571″ player=”12034″ title=”Watch Five outrageous World Cup stats you won’t believe are true”]
Mohamed Salah has arguably been Liverpool’s best player this season due to his 28-goal haul from 34 matches.
There were questions over the Egypt international when he moved to Anfield from Roma in the summer.
Doubts arrived with him due to his failed spell at Chelsea, in which he was unable to secure a regular starting spot during a two-year spell.
Jose Mourinho was the man in charge when Salah moved to Stamford Bridge from Basel in 2014.
The attacker rarely got a kick under the Portuguese coach’s term, and instead was sent out on loan to Fiorentina and then Roma.
Salah moved to the Stadio Olimpico permanently in 2016, and now he is proving to Mourinho that he can cut in the Premier League by performing well for Liverpool.
Interestingly, the forward has revealed that he occasionally speaks to his former manager, who is now in charge of the Reds’ arch rivals Manchester United.
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In an interview with FourFourTwo’s March 2018 magazine edition, the 25-year-old said:
“We talked at Chelsea when I first came back from the loan spell at Fiorentina. We also spoke after the match against Manchester United this season and have a good relationship. We didn’t talk much , but it was OK. Three years ago I didn’t play much, but since day one back in England I wanted to show what I can do. I think I’m doing well.”
I’d hate to blow smoke up the proverbial of a young, obviously talented, but relatively unproven home-grown talent, yet once again I find myself committing that cardinal sin in regards to Everton’s defensive wizz-kid John Stones.
The 19 year-old has dazzled Toffees supporters in recent weeks, amid Phil Jagielka’s sidelining through injury, with his most pinnacle performance to date coming in a Man of the Match display against Sunderland last weekend, where the right-back-come-central-defender made more clearances (9) and blocked more shots (5) than any player on the pitch.
The Wearside club may not be the most potent side we’ve seen in the Premier League this season, rather, their 29 goals for, averaging at under one goal per match, is the worst scoring return in the entire division. But regardless, it’s incredibly telling of Stones’ reading of the game that he was required to make just a single tackle throughout the ninety minutes, whilst Everton managed to record a clean sheet away from home in the 1-0 encounter.
In fact, from Stones’ nine Premier League starts in the centre-back role this season, the Goodison outfit have conceded just five times in his presence, claiming clean sheets against the Black Cats, Arsenal, Newcastle and Norwich and racking up 19 points out of a possible 21 in the process.
Resultantly, there have been calls for the young defender to receive a late ascension into Roy Hodgson’s World Cup squad, which begs the question, should the England manager be taking this Toffees hotshot to Brazil, or is this a tournament too early for Stones?
The Everton youngster is clearly a talented player, and far from being the defensive stalwart his prominent clean sheets haul might suggest, it’s Stones’ ability to link up with midfield, personifying the core, purist values of the Roberto Martinez ethos, that has produced such sudden and widespread acclaim.
Predominantly considered as a right-back at former club Barnsley, Stones comes with a unique skill set for the centre-back berth, donning pace, agility and the natural technique you’d expect of a modern full-back. Resultantly, the teen defender boasts a pass completion rate of 90% this term, on average making around 33 passes per match. Far from a sideways stat-whore whoever, the vast majority of Stones’ passes have been in a positive direction, whilst he’s also shown enormous confidence in simply picking up the ball and driving up the pitch with it, keenly and responsibly taking possession in difficult areas.
I haven’t seen a home-grown centre-back do that since Rio Ferdinand, and the buzz surrounding Stones can certainly be sourced to his rather exclusive style of defending, perhaps more in line with those from the continent.
But let’s not be rash here. This is a player whom, impressive or not, has made just 17 Premier League appearances in his entire career. This high praising of a foreign style of play is the kind of thing we said about Jack Wilshere during his first full season at Arsenal and Manchester United’s Tom Cleverley. This is a similar level presumptuous hyping once received by such illustrious Three Lions alumni as Michael Ricketts, Seth Johnson and David Nugent.
Indeed, the coming World Cup could be a tournament too soon for Stones. Despite recently declaring during a Sky Sports interview that the 19 year-old had been the Toffees’ best trainer this season – a title decided by Roberto Martinez’ method of awarding points to his players on a weekly basis, with the highest recipient in line for a prize at the end of the year – the Everton manager admitted that Stones still had a long way to go before representing his country at a major tournament.
But if there’s one lonesome World Cup strategy that’s undoubtedly served England well over the years, it’s the customary tactic of bringing one budding youngster to the major tournament ahead of schedule. A 19 year-old Rio Ferdinand went to France ’98, Joe Cole went to the 2002 World Cup at just 20 years of age, and in 2006, to much surprise and criticism, Sven Goran Eriksen included a 17 year-old Theo Walcott in his World Cup roster. Most recently, Jack Butland and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain got the nod from Roy Hodgson for Euro 2012, despite their exceptionally limited exposure to top flight and international football at the time.
It’s a trick which is yet to throw its first curve-ball. All, with the exception of Jack Butland, have emerged as key players for club and country since their premature England inclusions, and as much as one can credit prior England managers for spotting future stars, one can’t ignore the obvious benefits of experiencing the unique World Cup atmosphere at such a tender age has had on the careers of these players.
Many will argue that if Roy Hodgson is to follow suit at the coming tournament in Brazil, then the ceremonial position in the England squad should go to Southampton’s Luke Shaw, who by far and large has been the most impressive home-grown youngster over the last two seasons. But England’s heart of defence currently faces a grim future; if Gary Cahill, Phil Jagielka and Joleon Lescott were slim pickings enough, then their current most likely successors – Ryan Shawcross, Steven Caulker and Chris Smalling – send a macabre chill down one’s spine. With the exception of Phil Jones, the Three Lions’ golden age of world-class centre-halves appears to have come to a rather abrupt end.
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Could John Stones emerge as a timely saviour? Inclusion in the World Cup squad, albeit in a non-playing capacity, would certainly put him on the right path.
Hodgson has declared however that his 23-man roster will include no abrupt surprises. No maverick Adam Johnsons, no cult-hero Gareth Barrys, no Championship wonder-kids of the Danny Ings variety. Therefore, much to my personal disappointment, a late call-up for the Everton prodigy appears incredibly unlikely, especially considering his place in the Toffees backline will presumably be returned to Phil Jagielka once the 31 year-old has recovered from his sideline bout.
But fear not young Stones; with Jagielka at 31, Cahill 29 and Lescott turning 32 by the end of the summer, Euro 2016 is already loudly calling your name.
It’s the subject that simply refuses to go away within English football at the moment and for Tottenham Hotspur winger Gareth Bale, he’d do well to pick up a couple of newspapers of late. In a series of weeks that have seen the issue of diving hop straight back up to the top of football’s agenda of malaise, you would have thought that the Welshman would have the nous to avoid a complete PR disaster.
Indeed, while the actions of Liverpool’s Luis Suarez has catalyzed a whole catalogue of fierce debate over the practice of simulation, Bale has played his own part in ensuring it continues to produce column inches. And a further contentious tumble on international duty against Scotland, has shot Bale straight into the spectrum of chief suspects.
But the issue for Bale isn’t one of personal integrity. It’s one that has the ability to cause both himself and his side some serious problems later along the line this season.
The issue of diving isn’t anything new on these shores. As with so many other issues in football, there is something very topical about the way it manages to creep up onto the footballing radar. As the fickle finger of the Premier League spins round on a never ending basis, talk about top flight thespians will usually subside and make way for the two-footed tackle debate or the flailing elbow argument.
But things feel different this time. For many people, Spurs fans included, there was a sense of poetic justice in seeing Luis Suarez get planted over by Norwich’s Leon Barnett for a stonewall penalty, only for referee Mike Jones to wave his claims away. The proverb “you reap what you sow”, has been wheeled out often in the past few weeks and in fairness, it certainly rings true to a certain extent.
But as the Suarez debate rumbles on, it seems to have reopened another and the school of thought that Premier League referees are beginning to judge the Uruguayan on reputation, rather than an incident on it’s own merits, is one that should cause equal cause for concern. And it’s one that Gareth Bale in particular, should give more than a moment’s thought to.
Fans of teams who have been on the receiving end of one of his tumbles (Villa and Arsenal supporters, take a stand), may be happy to dispute this, but Bale bestows a more polished public profile than Luis Suarez. A modest, humble talent, there are no bans for racial abuse or red cards for blatant hand ball on his resume. But if he continues to fall to the ground under little to no contact, that will all count for diddly squat.
Bale has already faced several allegations of diving and despite his claims to the contrary, his justifications for going down easily, hardly endear himself to a wider audience.
Following critique over his penalty winning dive in the 5-2 defeat against Arsenal last season, Bale responded that his art is more injury prevention, than diving:
“It’s annoying. You have people flying in at you, it’s not really diving, you’re trying to get out of the way of the challenge if anything,” the Welshman said last year.
“It’s a difficult one. You can see why people say you’re diving but at the end of the day I’d rather dive than get hurt.”
While Bale’s viewpoint maintains a certain amount of gravitas, it’s impossible to skirt round the viewpoint that he has more than a tendency to go down to easily. The wider debate surrounding simulation can be extended to very specific and technical instances and whether by launching himself over a full-back’s trailing leg at regular intervals is any better, is highly disputable.
But the stonewall acts of cheating are simply unforgivable and his fall in Spurs’ 2-0 victory over Aston Villas was totally unacceptable. The sight of watching Bale go down under thin air as he pre-empted a kick from Brad Guzan that never came, was really quite hard to watch. It gets worse every time you see it and if anyone was still to doubt the Welshman’s tendency to dabble in football’s darkest of arts, they can surely be in no doubt now.
Although, it’s not just his own morality that he’s damaging by going to ground like that. If Bale waltzes into the penalty area and is hacked down against Chelsea this weekend but the referee waves him away, then Spurs fans will be left with a Luis Suarez situation all of their own. Premier League referees must stay subjective, but does human nature dictate that when they see him go down, his fall against Villa will come into their head? It shouldn’t, but it could well do.
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Even if referees are wrong to not judge each situation on their own merits, but Bale shouldn’t even be putting them in a position for that to become an issue. If he goes down in the penalty area against Roberto Di Matteo’s side on Saturday, you can bet your mortgage that his side will be screaming dive regardless of what happened. Bale’s behavior has only played into their hands.
Regardless of whether Shaun Maloney has claimed that his feeble contact with Gareth Bale constituted a penalty last week, it remains a woefully soft decision. And the problem is, with every ridiculous tumble the Welshman is taking, he is subjecting himself to forensic scrutiny in each incident.
Fans who frequent White Hart Lane love watching Gareth Bale for his barnstorming runs and his gifted ability – not for his acting skills. And when his behavior is set to put his side in jeopardy of getting a fair run, fans have the right to demand he cleans up his act. And fast.
What do you think about Gareth Bale’s antics for Spurs and Wales? Let me know what you think on Twitter: follow @samuel_antrobus and let me know if you think it’s time AVB sorted the Welshman out.
According to reports in the Daily Mail, Tottenham Hotspur face a battle to keep manager Mauricio Pochettino with Real Madrid ready to step up their pursuit of the 45-year-old, and Spurs fans have been quick to have their say on the rumour.
The Daily Mail says the La Liga giants are weighing up a move to bring the Argentine boss to Spain at the end of the season with Zinedine Zidane’s men struggling this term – they are currently 19 points behind Barcelona in the Spanish top flight and were knocked out of the Copa del Rey by Leganes during the week.
The report adds that while Pochettino is tempted by the opportunity of working with Real, the north London outfit wouldn’t be willing to let him go easily – especially as he has no release clause in his contract.
Tottenham supporters took to social media to give their thoughts on the story, and while one simply said “he’ll go”, another said “this will test Poch’s loyalty”.
Wayne Rooney has signed a new contract with Manchester United worth a reported £300,000 a week. The club is happy, the great freckled one is happy, the Stretford End and everyone involved at Paul Stretford’s End are happy, even the jaded, snarking curmudgeons are happy, such are many plentiful examples the situation provides for their life force enhancing belief that modern football is at the root of everything rotten and evil on this ghastly forsaken burning rock of nothingness we fool ourselves into thinking a home. Everyone is happy.
And yet somehow the sneaking suspicion that we’ve all been had lingers like the bad aftertaste of a Casillero del Diablo.
So, in another life, what else could United have spent 300k a week and 14m a year on instead of Wayne Rooney’s inevitable second hair transplant?
1. Pay two people £150k a week to play in midfield
It may have escaped those without the finely tuned nose of a true detective, but I’ll let you in on a secret – United have a problem in midfield. Despite the fact Rooney often spends huge swaths of games in a sort of self created auxiliary holding left back role, he’s not midfielder. Yet. Whilst the ridiculous valuation of footballers may threaten to become an elaborate satirical performance piece on the housing crisis (or perhaps it’s vice versa?) 300k is still a huge amount. You can still pick up a top of the range playmaker (only two previous owners) for a cool £150k. Even in the trendy deluxe diminutive Spanish model, David Silva and Juan Mata both command in the region. Perhaps get them in a collectable set? Buy two and get a novelty Marouane Fellaini thrown in for free! Ilkay Gundogan is on a paltry, almost insulting mid level banker’s salary of £25k a week. Why not buy a whole team of him? Some of them can play in defense (which, don’t tell anyone, is also a problem.) Sheeeyyyt, United could’ve caved into Paul Pogba’s salary demands thirteen times and still had change for an Ilkay Way.
2. Expand Old Trafford to compete with City.
Manchester City are now the biggest club in Manchester. Manuel Pellegrini has spoken, and in every sense but the actual words he used and what they mean, he’s right. So how will United compete with City and their imposing haul of 3 league titles once their new 60,000 capacity expansion makes the Etihad the second largest club stadium in the country, behind only, erm, Manchester United? Well, by expanding their own stadium of course. Perhaps with an exclusive corporate helipad and a state of the art pitch level retracting jumbotron. One architect has already proposed cramming ticketless fans onto the roof! To ignore such genius would be folly.
3. Do a Bayern and give back to the fans.
With it’s increasingly rampant propensity for evil, PR is now very important to football. Few top clubs can escape the perception that their working class roots are being eroded in favor of big business by an army of invisible Tony Blairs all desperate to play head tennis with Kevin Keegan. Bayern Munich can certainly try though, with their cheap tickets, safe standing and wily initiative to shame not only our football, but also our exorbitant pricing by buying out Arsenal’s away allocation as a goodwill gesture to their fans. Gone are the days of xenophobic ‘bantz!’ and giggling at rude sounding names, these days any football fan worth their salt wants to be German. With this in mind, United could claw back some respectability for our feeble Unterliga by reimbursing 26,000 of their lowest tier season ticket holders as a show of good faith. Anyone who spends a whole season singing songs about David Moyes deserves some mercy.
This would be brilliant, and is quite comfortably the least likely option on this list.
4. Hire thousands of teachers, nurses and soldiers.
Barely a contract renewal or transfer window goes by without some enlightened altruistic sole lamenting the plight of our underfunded public sector betters. “Just imagine how many teachers/nurses/soldiers you could pay with such and such’s salary” they say, curiously never implying we could up their wage substantially, but merely that we could hire more of them, at the same rate. To this end, United could hire thousands of nurses, soldiers and teachers, at the going rate, to aid the physios, guard the stadium and teach Rooney the many available alternatives in the English language to “obviously”
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5. Buy an MLS Franchise/Sponsor a Llama/Help pay off their debt.
You know, something daft like that. Lolz.
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